Music and lyrics by Carolina Perez

A chamber song cycle exploring the emotional landscape following stillbirth. The songs move from the initial shock to the evolving manifestations of grief and the search for meaning after loss.

Songs:

1. What Does Death Sound Like?
2. Breast Milk and Tears
3. You in Heaven
4. I Dissolved Inside My Mom
5. Little Ghost Child
6. Matilda, My Daughter
7. Mother’s Hands
8. Pain is Gold
9. I Can Still Walk
10. Mommy, Use Your Voice

What Does Death Sound Like?

What does death sound like?
I do not know
What does death feel like?
I couldn’t tell

I was unsettled
Something felt off

Sought reassurance
All must be fine
Not finding a heartbeat
Except for my own
Nothing prepared me to
grasp what that meant

No signal
No warning

Tightly wrapped cord
Wound twice around
Most quiet baby
Most precious child
Most surreal moment
For a mother to bearLove and loss
At the same time
Love and loss
In the same room
Love and loss
Holding you
There
but not there

2. Breast Milk and Tears

Breast milk and tears
No child
A folder, a box
A lock of hair

Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow away

Stretch marks and aches
No child
My body remembers
Every day

Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow away

Still image
Still baby
Frozen body
Frozen dreams
Hollow womb
Hollow mother

Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow away

Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow awayBreast milk and tears
Dry out
Numbness keeps sorrow at bay

3. You in Heaven

I write from an empty house
It used to be full of dreams
Your dresser and crib disassembled
You in heaven and me here

As close as two beings get
Now we’re forever distant
Are you at least getting my letters?
You in heaven and me here

As the sun dips behind pink clouds
I speak out in case you’re listening
Are you painting the sky for us, baby?
You in heaven and me here

You’re in heaven while I remain here

4. I Dissolved Inside My Mom
A song from the child’s imagined perspective.

I dissolved inside my mom
I was growing in her womb
Suddenly my life grew still
Our two heartbeats became one

I dissolved inside my mom
I am her when she was young
I became my mother’s wound
Invisible and permanent

I dissolved inside my mom
I became her inner child
Calling softly from within
After decades in exile

I dissolved inside my mom
This felt scary, cruel, and wrong
When love rose up within her
Heartbreak faded into calm

I remain inside my mom
I’m the wound that makes her strong
She carries me into her life
I shaped the woman she’s become

5. Little Ghost Child

Little ghost child riding on my back
You go where I go and see what I see
Real children playing, dancing and singing
Real mommies laughing, hugging and kissing

Little ghost child riding on my back
You go where I go and see what I see
Your little hands choke me when you hold on tight
My hips feel your weight — you’re growing up quickly

Little ghost child riding on my back
You go where I go and see what I see
You guide me in moments when life seems uncertain
You cry with me, darling, when I feel exhausted
Little ghost child riding on my back
You go where I go and see what I see
Our journey together gets harder each year
The road keeps unfolding — we persevere

6. Matilda, My Daughter

Matilda
My daughter
I wish you were here

I miss you

My darling
I miss you
Every day

Matilda
I’m sorry
I couldn’t hold on
I can’t bring you back

My darling
I miss you
Every day

7. Mother’s Hands

Hands that miss
Touching, holding
They feel lost
Here without you

Meant to serve
Craving meaning
They remain
Open, empty

Hands that wait
Silent, longing
Writing verses
Laced with grief

Fingers fold
Grasping nothing
Dreams are gone
Out of reach

Gentle mother’s hands
Made to comfort, soothe, and calm
Tuned to every subtle cue

Steady mother’s hands
Firm, unwavering, and strong
With no life to care for now
What will these hands do?

Hands that would’ve held and lifted
Tiny hands and little feet
Hands that never learned the patterns
Of an infant’s fragile sleep

Hands not useless, not forgotten
They have more to offer still
They will strive to find a purpose
But for now remain adrift

8. Pain is Gold

I carry grief
It produces pain
that flows through the crevices
of my broken heart

First hot as molten gold
But later, when it cools
It seals the cracks
Finding new shapes
Forming something whole

Me broken, my pain gold
Me alive, both fragile and strong
Me supple thanks to the sutures
I shift, I bend, I make my way

Did you know, did you know
Pain can turn to gold?
Grief lives beside happiness
In our tender hearts

First hot as molten gold
But later, when it cools
It seals the cracks
Bonds the pieces back together
Forming something whole

Me broken, my pain gold
Me alive, both fragile and strong
Me supple thanks to the sutures
I shift, I bend, I make my way

9. I Can Still Walk

I can still walk, so I will
Until seedlings start to grow somewhere
I will build a shelter
there

I can still breathe other airs out there
There is more to taste in store
I am curious to
explore

I can still break many times again
Next time I’ll be more prepared
Grief has taught me ways to
repair

I can still bloom and become much more
As new dreams begin to sprout
I will trust and follow
this route

10. Mommy, Use Your Voice
A song from the child’s imagined perspective.

Mommy, you have me in your throat
Get me out and let them hear
Mommy, use your voice
Let me exist in a song

Mommy, please don’t cry alone
Turn your tears into verses
Sing about your girl
Let me dance in your song

Mommy, don’t give up just yet
There are other ways to live
I can be reborn
Let me be your music
Mommy, mommy
Use your voice

Pan Harmonia continues its ‘Aftermath’ trilogy
Matilda: A Mother’s Grief Journey

Grief Leads to Gratitude

In August 2024, Pan Harmonia was awarded a sustainability grant from the North Carolina Arts Council; that grant facilitated the development of Aftermath. “Carolina Perez’s piece is the genesis of the project,” says Steinbeck. “I was profoundly struck by the subject matter of this work. And I knew right away that Matilda: A Mother’s Grief Journey After Stillbirth would be perfect for what we sought to do with Aftermath.” Jessica Schaeffer concurs. “The whole trilogy coalesced around it,” she says. 

Carolina Perez’s song cycle was her musical response to the devastating death of a child. “My loss happened in 2018,” says the Asheville-based composer. “I had been working on this piece for years, but in the form of individual songs. I hadn’t been thinking of collecting them into a song cycle.” But as the body of songs grew, Perez realized that they were forming around a theme: “Going through the stages of grief, and ending with the ‘end of the arch,’ gratitude.” Perez found that she reached a place in which she was able to be grateful for what she has, recognize what she has learned from the loss, and incorporate it all into a sense of moving forward with optimism. Matilda distills that spectrum of emotional content into song.

“The songs,” Perez says, “have a lullaby quality to them. I didn’t write the songs to send a message; they’re more like a journal, but in music.” And while her initial demo recordings focused on exploration of the themes of grief, the songs truly come alive in a concert setting. “The human interpretation brings them to life in a way that I wasn’t expecting,” the composer says. 

Steinbeck marvels at Perez’s achievement in composing the song cycle, which will mark its world premiere at the April performances. “Carolina is sharing something so intimately while working through the trauma,” she explains, emphasizing that music is unique in its power to facilitate that depth of emotional expression. “Music keeps us sane and alive as we move through trauma, grief and recovery.”

Krista Tortora will give voice to Perez’s lyrics joined by an ensemble: Jessica Schaeffer (harp), Kate Steinbeck (flute), Rosalind Buda (bassoon), plus Daphne Waggener (violin), Claudia Malchow (viola) and Patrick O’Neil (cello) 

Post-concert discussion will be facilitated by therapist Dr. Katherine Hyde-Hensley, founder of the Embrace Foundation, which supports grieving families in WNC after miscarriage, TFMR, stillbirth, infant loss and birth trauma.

Matilda will be presented in three performances. On Thursday, April 9, 3pm and 7pm, concerts take place in First Presbyterian Church Asheville Chapel. On Friday April 10, 7pm, the powerful and moving work will ring through Black Mountain Presbyterian Church. 

Seating is limited. Please reserve here: panharmonia.org/shop

*****

Grief is an inescapable fact of life. And in the wake of the global pandemic, humans the world over are coming to terms with its lasting physical, economic, social, psychological and emotional fallout. In September 2024, Western North Carolina residents were hit again, facing loss of life and livelihood as well as widespread property and environmental devastation from the flooding associated with Hurricane Helene. On a personal level, humans from all walks of life struggle with challenges that test their emotional endurance and fortitude. Faced with grief, many find solace in music. 

For those who create and play it, music can give voice to inner thoughts and feelings; sharing those with listeners can help bring acceptance of difficulties and even a degree of catharsis. Beyond its pleasurable qualities, music can help listeners’ brains release dopamine and serotonin, which are proven to help humans register pleasure, elevate their moods, become more motivated and bring on a reduction in pain.

In line with cultivating those connections, and as part of its continuing mission to bring the best of chamber music to WNC audiences, award-winning organization Pan Harmonia presents Aftermath, a trilogy of special, all-acoustic performances. Lauded by arts journal Classical Voice of NC as “the high standard bearer for the production of excellent concerts by area musicians,” Pan Harmonia brings unique programming to a wide audience. And its pay-what-you can model assures that no one is turned away from a performance for lack of funds. 

According to Pan Harmonia Creative Director Kate Steinbeck, Aftermath “explores the universality of human experiences of awe and wonder, trauma and recovery, resilience, gratitude and joy.” Each of the three installments in the program – “Wonder,” “Grief Leads to Gratitude” and “Joy” – takes listeners on an emotional journey, employing various inventive combinations of harp, strings, voice and wind instruments. The program commences March 6 and continues with select locations and dates through May 17.

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About Pan Harmonia

“It’s all about serving the entire local community: the musicians and the audience.” says Schaeffer. “Our pay-as-you-can ticketing model ensures any and all can enjoy our concerts.”

Pan Harmonia is an independent, artist-directed chamber music company based in Asheville, North Carolina. Founded in 2000 by Kate Steinbeck and attaining 501(c)3 not-for-profit status in 2004 as Keowee Chamber Music, the company’s goals include sharing the joy and discovery of beautiful, acoustic music with audiences of all ages across the full spectrum of our society.