Music and lyrics by Carolina Perez
A chamber song cycle exploring the emotional landscape following stillbirth. The songs move from the initial shock to the evolving manifestations of grief and the search for meaning after loss.
Songs:
- What Does Death Sound Like?
- Breast Milk and Tears
- You in Heaven
- I Dissolved Inside My Mom
- Little Ghost Child
- Matilda, My Daughter
- Mother’s Hands
- Pain is Gold
- I Can Still Walk
- Mommy, Use Your Voice
What Does Death Sound Like?
What does death sound like?
I do not know
What does death feel like?
I couldn’t tell
I was unsettled
Something felt off
Sought reassurance
All must be fine
Not finding a heartbeat
Except for my own
Nothing prepared me to
grasp what that meant
No signal
No warning
Tightly wrapped cord
Wound twice around
Most quiet baby
Most precious child
Most surreal moment
For a mother to bearLove and loss
At the same time
Love and loss
In the same room
Love and loss
Holding you
There
but not there
2. Breast Milk and Tears
Breast milk and tears
No child
A folder, a box
A lock of hair
Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow away
Stretch marks and aches
No child
My body remembers
Every day
Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow away
Still image
Still baby
Frozen body
Frozen dreams
Hollow womb
Hollow mother
Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow away
Water wash my sorrow awayBreast milk and tears
Dry out
Numbness keeps sorrow at bay
3. You in Heaven
I write from an empty house
It used to be full of dreams
Your dresser and crib disassembled
You in heaven and me here
As close as two beings get
Now we’re forever distant
Are you at least getting my letters?
You in heaven and me here
As the sun dips behind pink clouds
I speak out in case you’re listening
Are you painting the sky for us, baby?
You in heaven and me here
You’re in heaven while I remain here
4. I Dissolved Inside My Mom
A song from the child’s imagined perspective.
I dissolved inside my mom
I was growing in her womb
Suddenly my life grew still
Our two heartbeats became one
I dissolved inside my mom
I am her when she was young
I became my mother’s wound
Invisible and permanent
I dissolved inside my mom
I became her inner child
Calling softly from within
After decades in exile
I dissolved inside my mom
This felt scary, cruel, and wrong
When love rose up within her
Heartbreak faded into calm
I remain inside my mom
I’m the wound that makes her strong
She carries me into her life
I shaped the woman she’s become
5. Little Ghost Child
Little ghost child riding on my back
You go where I go and see what I see
Real children playing, dancing and singing
Real mommies laughing, hugging and kissing
Little ghost child riding on my back
You go where I go and see what I see
Your little hands choke me when you hold on tight
My hips feel your weight — you’re growing up quickly
Little ghost child riding on my back
You go where I go and see what I see
You guide me in moments when life seems uncertain
You cry with me, darling, when I feel exhausted
Little ghost child riding on my back
You go where I go and see what I see
Our journey together gets harder each year
The road keeps unfolding — we persevere
6. Matilda, My Daughter
Matilda
My daughter
I wish you were here
I miss you
My darling
I miss you
Every day
Matilda
I’m sorry
I couldn’t hold on
I can’t bring you back
My darling
I miss you
Every day
7. Mother’s Hands
Hands that miss
Touching, holding
They feel lost
Here without you
Meant to serve
Craving meaning
They remain
Open, empty
Hands that wait
Silent, longing
Writing verses
Laced with grief
Fingers fold
Grasping nothing
Dreams are gone
Out of reach
Gentle mother’s hands
Made to comfort, soothe, and calm
Tuned to every subtle cue
Steady mother’s hands
Firm, unwavering, and strong
With no life to care for now
What will these hands do?
Hands that would’ve held and lifted
Tiny hands and little feet
Hands that never learned the patterns
Of an infant’s fragile sleep
Hands not useless, not forgotten
They have more to offer still
They will strive to find a purpose
But for now remain adrift
8. Pain is Gold
I carry grief
It produces pain
that flows through the crevices
of my broken heart
First hot as molten gold
But later, when it cools
It seals the cracks
Finding new shapes
Forming something whole
Me broken, my pain gold
Me alive, both fragile and strong
Me supple thanks to the sutures
I shift, I bend, I make my way
Did you know, did you know
Pain can turn to gold?
Grief lives beside happiness
In our tender hearts
First hot as molten gold
But later, when it cools
It seals the cracks
Bonds the pieces back together
Forming something whole
Me broken, my pain gold
Me alive, both fragile and strong
Me supple thanks to the sutures
I shift, I bend, I make my way
9. I Can Still Walk
I can still walk, so I will
Until seedlings start to grow somewhere
I will build a shelter
there
I can still breathe other airs out there
There is more to taste in store
I am curious to
explore
I can still break many times again
Next time I’ll be more prepared
Grief has taught me ways to
repair
I can still bloom and become much more
As new dreams begin to sprout
I will trust and follow
this route
10. Mommy, Use Your Voice
A song from the child’s imagined perspective.
Mommy, you have me in your throat
Get me out and let them hear
Mommy, use your voice
Let me exist in a song
Mommy, please don’t cry alone
Turn your tears into verses
Sing about your girl
Let me dance in your song
Mommy, don’t give up just yet
There are other ways to live
I can be reborn
Let me be your music
Mommy, mommy
Use your voice